Push and Look After You

My relationship with my sister Miya is the closest one I've had to anyone in my life. She is almost my daughter, legalities and labels aside. I co-parented with my mom, as the "lesser" parent admittedly, starting when Miya was 20 months old.

I would have been considered the "fun parent" those first 12 years. When Miya was 8 the song "Push" by Matchbox 20 came out. We used to giggle with excitement everytime it came on the radio. At the chorus, we'd gently push at each other.

Little did I know how much this song would come to define our relationship.

I stopped being the fun parent when Miya was 13 and she and I went to live on our own together. And things never were the same. We were extremely close but the change in my role was jarring for both of us. I didn't know what to do with a teenager. And the teenager knew that.

She ended up in an abusive relationship that produced my darling nephew. I fought her tooth and nail for three years to get out of that relationship. One time I was making a video to The Fray song "Look After You" and Miya came in saying that song reminded her of me.

2010 brought an end to something; I still can't define what. Miya had started physically attacking me, and hurting herself, and I did what I thought would get her help. But it didnt work out that way.

There are two songs that define our relationship: Push and Look After You. Push fits Miya to a t.

"i wanna push you around, well i will, well i will, i wanna push you down, well i will, i wanna take you for granted."

I don't say that to blame. The song is about anger and trust and "i don't know if i've ever been really loved by a hand that's touched me "

Miya is in a relationship where she feels belittled and less than human. She turned that around and took itt out on me; i made it easy for her by desperately trying to control the situation.

"if i dont say this now, i will surely break, as im leaving the one i want to take. forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait, my heart has started to separate."

I couldn't get this out of my head one of the last times I saw Miya and my nephew in October. It was the end and I knew it. I visited where they were staying because Miya had left her medicine behind.

I forced myself not to stay long. I was struggling with my own problems and my energy was fading. But leaving was one of the hardest things I"ve ever done. I wanted to know how to fix things. But I knew I couldn't.

I don't know where things will go from here but I do know those two songs will always hold a special and bittersweet feeling for me. You can't control how much you love someone, especially a child youve raised. But it doesn't have to be destructive.

And it's nor anymore.

"oh oh be my baby
i'll look after you..."