If it wasnt so devastating i might be able to see the humor and irony in the current state of my life. However i spend my time alternating from state to state to state... Denial... Panic... Grief... Hopelessness... Survival mode...
I feel like ive lost not one but two children in a matter of days, along with part of my sanity and maybe my health. I dont see life as anything except alternate degrees of suffering. Its like that string of smilies they hold up for you at the hospital to measure your rate of pain. Rate 1 is a bright big smile, rate 10 a crumpled up tear-filled face. Thats how we live from day to day then we die.
It hardly seems worth it.
I experienced what is clinically referred to as a `mixed episode` but i prefer to call it a `major f-ing freak out`. An influx of a million thoughts and emotions at once, like being buried alive in my own head. Cant breathe, want to jump out of your body and just STOP hurting. So theres a knife that looks sharp and thats when things changed for me forever.
I could have hurt myself, ive only got some nasty bruises as evidence of the struggle against my mind. And i feel like im a broken and useless person. I shouldnt be here and yet i am. I can take pills to numb my mind and to be someone im not naturally meant to be. Im this way because i dont belong in this world. I believe that.
But i dont want to cease to exist so i will take the pills and i will be someone other than me so that i dont have to die yet. It just seems futile considering we all die anyway. I just cant be ME and survive anymore so i have to adjust. It sucks a little.
People just dont understand this hell when your mind is at war with itself. Ive been judged and rejected because i wanted to survive as myself but it was all for nothing. The pills will kill me in a different way but i dont want to leave just yet. There may be something good in this haystack. One never knows...
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