it's been almost 6 months since my last blog entry and i don't know how but it seems i've gone from one hell into an entirely different one. at the start of the year i feared my own state of mind, having spent 3 years frantically doing my best to avoid the chaos going on around me. what i found was that you can only shut things out for so long before they break down the door and completely bury you. and that's how i was feeling back then.
and so i had to start sifting through the mess, actually put forth the effort to make changes and do what i could to try and make things better. where i'm at now is the realization that probably sent me into seclusion a few years ago- it seems no matter what i do, things just get worse. & i was seeing that then, and i couldn't handle being the cause of anymore pain. i carry so much guilt for so many things, and there is nobody in my life to consistently remind me that we do our best in unfortunate situations and that most everyone has good intentions especially when it comes to family.
that's why i don't understand how trying to help someone i love has led to that person physically harming themselves and putting themselves at risk for actual institutionalization-- which puts me at risk of losing the child who i have spent the last year parenting. things would have been better off if i'd nailed a few extra boards to that door and continued to close my eyes and ears. or better yet, if i'd have given in any of those times when i felt like it would be best for everyone to remove myself from this world.
i know that i don't control how anyone responds to decisions i make but when the choices i make lead to something so severe, i can't help but question my purpose in the equation and why it is that i'm always the one who seems to hurt the people i try to help. and that's really fucked up.
walking.shadow
Thanks for blogging again Sarah. "Hurting the people I tried to help" has happened to me too in a VERY VERY VERY VERY big and irreversible way. So irreversible that the guilt that I have
ReplyDeleteas a result of it has not allowed me to function on a daily basis for the last year and a half so I understand how you feel. Even though I don't know the exact nature of your situation. I know you are not religious but I have read in a holy book that God doesn't give us more problems than we can handle.So I do believe that whatever it is you are going through can be confronted an resolved eventually and once it is you will feel empowered as a result of overcoming it. What can't kill you makes you stronger right? If I was a therapist I could probably
offer some answers to the questions you have posed but I have no such experience. I don't understand why people are reacting to you the way they are but I'm sure there are somethings YOU can control and change that could force them to change their behavior towards you. Anyways, just don't give up. We can always learn something from our horrible experiences. Already looking forward to the next blog.