I Will Go To Him

The following were posts I made online in 1996 and 2002 about my nephew, Brandon.

1/4/96 12:30AM
Over the past couple of months I've posted several times about the situation with my brother and his girlfriend. I recently started a thread about bedrest, c sections, and omphaloceles. On November 30, Anna (brother's girlfriend) had her first prenatal exam. She was 27-28 weeks pregnant, 16 1/2 years old, and still mostly in denial about the whole pregnancy, swearing she didn't want a baby. The doctor informed her she was 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced.

On December 7, there was an ultra-sound performed which showed the baby had a large omphalocele (his intestines, liver, stomach, and spleen had grown outside his body) and Anna was referred to the University of Iowa Hospitals. She was put on bedrest. The next day the doctors looked at the ultrasound and announced the baby had a big heart defect on top of everything and Anna was given a cordoscentisis (like an amnio, only riskier but results come quicker). Three days later, we found out the baby's chromosomes were fine, and he was a boy "Brandon". The next day, a heart specialist looked at the ultrasound and announced that there was no heart defect, but that the heart had tilted from the weight of all his intestines outside his body (pulling on the heart and stretching it). So, we went from "no hope" and the baby being a "no go for" baby to the baby being salvageable. Anna was told to stay on bedrest and that she would have to have a C section in order for Brandon to be born alive.

On December 20, the doctors said they might be able to let her leave the hospital, but discovered she was now 2-3 cm dilated and she should stay. Once again, on Saturday Dec. 23 the doctor said they might release her from the hospital. Two hours later, her cervix was checked and she was over 4 cm dilated. Anna was moved to labor and delivery immediately...and six hours later she was having contractions every 6 1/2 minutes (she didn't FEEL any of them, though) and she was dilating more so the doctors told her to decide- a c-section for a baby born at 30 weeks (with no steroid treatment for his lungs) or a vaginal birth which would give him no chance. The drugs to stop labor weren't working, and she went in for a c-section. Brandon was born at 7:24 PM weighing 3 lbs. 10 1/2 oz. and 17 1/2 inches long. He had hyaline membrane disease. His sac around the omphalocele was torn. He was taken to surgery two hours after birth. The doctors tried to put some of his organs back inside him but he has no abdominal cavity. Instead they repaired the sac (which protects the omphalocele) and said hopefully in 5-7 weeks they could start surgeries to repair the omphalocele.

But on Monday, Jan 1 the doctors came in saying that Brandon hasn't been urinating and his blood pressure was lowering and that they didn't think he could be saved. His liver was backing up with feces, his kidneys had shut down. he's having a reaction to mercury, which is in the substance they cover his omphalocele's sac with daily (to protect it) and unless he has dialysis soon his chances are gone. however, he may not live through dialysis and the doctors say his chances of even making it to his first surgery are very very little. Which means letting him go. Yesterday his blood pressure was SO low (>23-26 if that means anything) but now it's up a little. But it seems like prolonging this for him would only be more painful for him because his chances are so low! The doctors didn't honestly think he'd live two days, let alone 12, but here he is. And he's very sick. And we are all just emotional wrecks. Of course Anna wants to go and try for the 1 % chance but he's in SO much pain. They had to take him off morphine for several days for his blood pressure and he didn't have tylenol.

Where does it stop, when is someone supposed to realize that a baby needs to be let go or fought for?

-Sarah

Follow-Up (written in 2002)

I was there when Brandon was born. My brother was out of town for college and didn't make it back in time, so I went in for the delivery. It was the most surreal (sp) situation. I was there the first moment he was born and to this day I think I heard the only "cries" (murmurs) he ever made before he was put on a ventilator. The first few days Brandon was alive his color was normal but as time passed his head started swelling and he was a purple color by the time he passed away. There were times after he was taken off morphine that he would look like he was crying (opening his mouth) but of course he couldn't as he was on the respirator. The poor baby suffered so much. I can't really stop thinking about pain being the only thing he felt in his life. Because of this, for me there is no peace and I don't expect that there ever will be.

The entire family was able to hold Brandon the night he died. I remember being surprised at how strong I was, that I wasn't even crying. I had thought I would be more emotional. Later when I watched the tape from the camcorder of me holding Brandon that I had actually been crying. Looking back I still don't remember it. We left the hospital at 5 AM and went to eat at this restaurant and I remember how quiet it was outside and looking at the people at the restaurant thinking about how they had no idea what had just happened. Just thinking things like that. We had taken a sack of the books, blankets, and stuffed animals of Brandon's home and when I woke up the next morning I was face-to-face with his stuffed elephant and boy do I remember crying then. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

We later learned that the symptoms that led to Brandon's death were caused by mercury poisoning and that he had 10 times the "safe" amount of mercury in his blood when he died.

Present Day

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I heard the story of David from the Bible who lost an infant and who, while the child was alive, fasted and took part in rituals in hopes that his son would survive. But once his baby son passed away, he immediately stopped fasting. When asked why, his response:

But now he is dead; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.

Thia response being from 2 Samuel 12:23. 12/23 being Brandon's birthday.

I will never forget my baby nephew or stop remembering him during those 12 days he spent with us. I like to think he's with my grandma in Heaven watching over us and waiting, and I'm going to spend my life - like David - working to go to him. It's all I can really hope for.